Friday, October 4, 2013
Alright, so I realize in my logical mind that having had so many pregnancies, especially the last two that were so close together, that it can take a toll on one's body. I know that I was never a super model...nor will I ever be. But to say I strongly dislike my body now is a major understatement. I know I'm by no means obese, but I do feel like I need to lose about 20 to 30 lbs to be back to what I consider my "normal". Although I'd like to just state for the record that I have the most awesome husband ever who always tells, me on a daily basis, how beautiful he thinks I am and how he thinks my body is more sexy now then when we got married. It makes me love him all the more for saying such uplifting things, but I still struggle with what I see when I look at myself in the mirror.
I've done nothing but complain about my body for years now. It's hard to find time in my schedule though to exercise on a regular basis. The only real "free" time I have comes after I have all the kiddos in bed for the night and Vivi has been soooo clingy the past few months that on a good night I'll be lucky to have her down and out by 10 p.m. I can get the other 3 all in bed and good to go for the night by 8:30 p.m. but Vivi fights it. Even if she does go to sleep around 8:30 or 9:00 if I put her down she wakes up 5 or 6 time between 9 and 10 just to "make sure I'm still there". And it has to be me. If Eric tries to help out she just cries and cries, but if I go in there and she can see it's me then she will drift back off into la la land.
So by 10 p.m. it's usually my "free" time. Let's face the cold hard facts here...by 10 p.m. at night the last thing running through my list of things to do is exercise. Heck, I consider it a productive use of time management if I get a shower, brush my teeth and pass out in bed before 11 p.m. So how am I to go about losing these extra few pounds that having me looking at myself like a teenage girl with no self-esteem what so ever? Well, when I figure that out I will let ya know...in fact you'll probably here about it on the news or something because surly I'd win some sort of medal, award or honor of great distinction for accomplishing the impossible...right???
For now though...there is something I can change and vow to try to change starting right here and right now. That is the words that I choose to let come out of my mouth when it comes to describing how I fell about my body. I know its now become a habit I must break, but no longer will I say "I'm so fat" or "I hate my stomach" or anything of that nature. Why you ask? Here is why I will no longer say negative things about my self image...
A few days ago I was outside with the boys and we were hitting golf balls out into the farmer field next to our backyard. After hitting a ton of them deep into the field I said to the boys that we should go on a "golf ball hunt". So they grabbed a bucket and off we went into the field to find as many golf balls as we could. After finding a lot of balls and walking half the field over, my 4 year old son Eli made said "Wow, we have been walking forever and my legs are getting really tired! But I'm really glad we went to find golf balls." In return I said "I know it's a lot of walking, but we are almost back home now. It was fun finding all those golf balls though right." His response "Well yeah it was fun, but I'm really glad we went for this long walk cause I ate to many pancakes today and my belly is getting really, really fat. So I needed a lot of exercise!"
Now, anyone of you that knows my Eli will know that the kid it nothing but skin and bones. He always has been and probably always will be my little skinny kid. He can eat like a hog everyday and not gain an once cause his metabolism is so high. So to have him think he is fat in anyway, shape or form just made my heart sink. I realize he's just parroting me and the things I've said about myself more then anything else. But that is not how I want my kids thinking. Beauty is not defined by weight or how skinny one is. I don't look at others and think "oh she would be so much prettier if she weren't so fat.", but yet I'm imposing that thought process on myself and it's rubbing off on my kids. I don't want any of my kids feeling that way...especially my girls when they get older.
Society does that enough, I don't want to be guilty of teaching my children that their self worth and their beauty comes from how they look on the outside. Do I still want to lose a few pounds, of course...so I'm as healthy as I can be for the sake of my family and for myself. But from this day forward I'm choosing to see myself through different eyes. I know the Lord doesn't look at me and think "yeah, I love ya Steph...but you know your really starting to look fat there my child"...so why should I. Today I'm choosing to try to look at myself through the Lord's eyes and see what He sees in me. I'm choosing to see and say the positive stuff about myself in hopes to help install the morals in my children that I've always wanted. I want to teach them all that really beauty lives within you and whats in your heart more than any other place. It's a process, but one that I'm determined to stick with...whether I end up losing 30lbs or 3lbs.